Yesterday, I heard this song from Avril in winamp. "Falling Into History".
It is a song yg he dedicated to me while we had our constant fights and that he was feeling down that i was not there for him - back then. (Im ready to be everything and anything to him, if given just one more chance, :( )
Don't matter what people say
I never did believe them
I know, I know they know everything
I’ll be alright by myself
And no one's gonna tell me I'm defined
Confined by love
Now our days seem strange
I guess my heart was bound to change
I fell out, out of you and me
You're fading from view
And you're falling into history
I fell out, out of you and me
You're fading from view
And you're falling into history
I never thought that I'd say
That I don't really miss you
I lived, I breathed your breath through me
Time has a way of passing by
Until I don't remember why or how to hurt for you
Love's pain has gone somewhere
And I'm finally hanging it there
I fell out, out of you and me
You're fading from view
And you're falling into history
I fell out, out of you and me
You're fading from view
And you're falling into history
Falling into, falling into, you're falling into history
I fell out, out of you and me
You're fading from view
And you’re falling into history
I fell out, out of you and me
You're fading from view
And you're falling into history
I'll be alright by myself
And no one's gonna tell me I'm defined
Confined by love
Well, so i'm trying to face the fact yg we are not together anymore and that we will never ever will again. He adamantly repeated it when we went out b4 that it rang too many times in my mind ever since.
So, today, while emailing him, im trying to be tough la konon. Bahasa diri as u and me. No more yeen and abg. Then talking about marriage, with other ppl. I even told him yg he's my ex. Which i still had difficulty cathing up with the terms.
I felt jeles everytime i called him, n was put on waiting. Becoz he's on the phone with sumbody else. Well, who else wud call at 12 midnite if it is not a gal? Who is on his rite mind wud call his buddy at the stroke of midnite? Hmmm.....
Trying to be strong, but im not...i miss him terribly. Even when im with my frens n with pleasant company, my mind still space out and drifting. Thinking wut the hell is he doing rite now, with who, is he having fun, does he think of me at all, and a lot more of other stuffs....tough la konon, sehari tak msg die pun rase cam nak pengsan...let alone nak let go...try membz kan diri ngan mende len....but slalu i fail....trying but always to no avail.
Sumtimes i wish i didnt drifted so far away b4. But nobody can turns back time, let alone me. So wut can i do now? Let go, which proved to be so hard? Holding on, which can be only a waste of time? Hmmmm....I still cant decide myself...
*Sighed*
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
The Pretty Lady - Somthing to Ponder Upon
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.
The big monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. "How can big disciple brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" thought the little monk. But he kept quiet.
The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.
Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. "How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite." The big monk looked surprised and said, "I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?"
The moral of the story
This very old Chinese zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt; sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous.
But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away. We keep on carrying the baggage of the "pretty lady" with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.
We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, immediately after the unpleasant event is over. This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.
The big monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. "How can big disciple brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" thought the little monk. But he kept quiet.
The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.
Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. "How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite." The big monk looked surprised and said, "I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?"
The moral of the story
This very old Chinese zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt; sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous.
But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away. We keep on carrying the baggage of the "pretty lady" with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.
We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, immediately after the unpleasant event is over. This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.
The 'about me'....
Have you ever felt so messed up in everything that you do that you dont know where and when it really started? Feeling dat way since the beginning of this year. Everything is so twisted dat i cant pinpoint where it all started to go wrong.
I blamed myself for all of it. For everything dat happened. But i guess i know there's no turning back. All i can do is, take it all as it comes by and try to ammend things dat can be ammended. Other than dat, i have to face the consequences of all my actions in the past. No joy in dat...
One thing for sure, sumone said n the words keep playing and repeating in my head "IGNORANCE IS NOT A BLISS". 25 years of my life, it felt like all is a waste of time. Wut did i learn? Wut principles in life dat i hold on to? I tend to say things i regret, i do things i regret, i promised things i cant keep. I lost a fren and love that had been so dear to my heart for so many years. It mite be the one love that i can never ever find again. The love dat so strong that it can endure anything. But i pushed it and end up threw it away. Now i can never have it back, n my life had been so miserable ever since. Wut with my happy face, its a lie...
Wut will happen to me? Only Allah knows wut will become of me. Rite now, all i can think of is just taking a day at a time. And take it all. Facing it all...
I blamed myself for all of it. For everything dat happened. But i guess i know there's no turning back. All i can do is, take it all as it comes by and try to ammend things dat can be ammended. Other than dat, i have to face the consequences of all my actions in the past. No joy in dat...
One thing for sure, sumone said n the words keep playing and repeating in my head "IGNORANCE IS NOT A BLISS". 25 years of my life, it felt like all is a waste of time. Wut did i learn? Wut principles in life dat i hold on to? I tend to say things i regret, i do things i regret, i promised things i cant keep. I lost a fren and love that had been so dear to my heart for so many years. It mite be the one love that i can never ever find again. The love dat so strong that it can endure anything. But i pushed it and end up threw it away. Now i can never have it back, n my life had been so miserable ever since. Wut with my happy face, its a lie...
Wut will happen to me? Only Allah knows wut will become of me. Rite now, all i can think of is just taking a day at a time. And take it all. Facing it all...
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Cuti owh cuti
Sumtimes rase cam tensen plak ngan kes cuti2 nih. Pasal cuti nih I got 2 issues. One is cuti pertabalan agung (26/4) nih and another one is utk pergi bercuti. This of course is regarding my current company yg I work with.
About the pertabalan agung thingy nih. Today as you can read the time and date of this posted blog is Wed 25th Apr. Which means that the hari pertabalan agung is tomorrow. But we yet to decide whether tomorrow nih cuti or tak. The thing yg agak pissed me off about this is, im planning to go back to kuantan (im working in kerteh, which is only 1 1/2 hrs drive from kuantan with my kancil, but still). If tomorrow tak cuti, I'm thinking of applying for cuti. Hari nih baru decide, sbb tgh fuming tak tau cuti ke tak nih. Geram, smalam smpi mimpi2 pasal cuti nih tau. Takde la, if tak nak kasi cuti pun, i dun mind. Jgn bg kitorang mengharap n waiting. Tu jer. Ape susah nyer. Plus i got a few things to settle kat kuantan nih. Tu yg lagi nak marah.
If anyone wonders why im raving about this one day cuti, fyi, our weekend is only friday. Im working 5 and a half days a week, sumtimes 6 la. And cuti tahunan is 14 days, and also public holiday is 10~14 days minus deepavali, new year, chrismas, wesak. Another thing yg add up to this injustice is one of our staff at our company dpt saturday off. Which means that she gets a total of 52 days xtra cuti from the rest of the staffs which includes me la. So, u decide sendri la ptt tak i nak fight for this one day cuti punyer hal.
Enuff la Im raving about this pertabalan agung nyer kes. Another thing about cuti is utk pergi bercuti. Mende nih dah discuss dr last year lagi. Tp ditunda n ditunda. N diubah n diubah. Kalo nak crite pasal nih, lagi tak abis la. Ishk, sng ckp, kitorang ader plan nak gi taiping, then cancel. Plan gi melaka. Then again cancel, sbb dgr2 cam nak wat motivasi sehari, so seme org object. Its not the motivasi yg big deal sgt, tp motivasi the whole day, of course. Here's the scenario, kitorang nak bertolak from kerteh to melaka on thurs morning. ETA maybe dah evening. Of course that nite, seme penat, maybe just go out n have dinner then retire. Then, jumaat nak wat motivasi the whole day. Maybe mlm just pegi tgk a lil here n there. Then the next day, saturday dah nak blk. Mane bercuti nyer? Duhh... Of course seme org object. So, kitorang ckp kat our bosses, if nak guna duit rekreasi (duit kitorang yg dipotong rm10 per month, plus duit yg budak2 nih tlg calibrate n duit rental brg2) baik kite wat family day or bbq dkt2 sini jer. Then if nak wat motivasi, wat kat sini jer. Jimat mase, duit n tenaga. Tp nih pun tak dpt nak come out dgn decision lagi. So just wait and see.
Kinda dissapointed gak la. Sbb I was looking forward for this break. Sbb last year punyer holiday trip sgt menarik. We went to redang and its on my bday furthermore. :) we did had so much fun there.
Hmmm....just need to wait and see jer la....
About the pertabalan agung thingy nih. Today as you can read the time and date of this posted blog is Wed 25th Apr. Which means that the hari pertabalan agung is tomorrow. But we yet to decide whether tomorrow nih cuti or tak. The thing yg agak pissed me off about this is, im planning to go back to kuantan (im working in kerteh, which is only 1 1/2 hrs drive from kuantan with my kancil, but still). If tomorrow tak cuti, I'm thinking of applying for cuti. Hari nih baru decide, sbb tgh fuming tak tau cuti ke tak nih. Geram, smalam smpi mimpi2 pasal cuti nih tau. Takde la, if tak nak kasi cuti pun, i dun mind. Jgn bg kitorang mengharap n waiting. Tu jer. Ape susah nyer. Plus i got a few things to settle kat kuantan nih. Tu yg lagi nak marah.
If anyone wonders why im raving about this one day cuti, fyi, our weekend is only friday. Im working 5 and a half days a week, sumtimes 6 la. And cuti tahunan is 14 days, and also public holiday is 10~14 days minus deepavali, new year, chrismas, wesak. Another thing yg add up to this injustice is one of our staff at our company dpt saturday off. Which means that she gets a total of 52 days xtra cuti from the rest of the staffs which includes me la. So, u decide sendri la ptt tak i nak fight for this one day cuti punyer hal.
Enuff la Im raving about this pertabalan agung nyer kes. Another thing about cuti is utk pergi bercuti. Mende nih dah discuss dr last year lagi. Tp ditunda n ditunda. N diubah n diubah. Kalo nak crite pasal nih, lagi tak abis la. Ishk, sng ckp, kitorang ader plan nak gi taiping, then cancel. Plan gi melaka. Then again cancel, sbb dgr2 cam nak wat motivasi sehari, so seme org object. Its not the motivasi yg big deal sgt, tp motivasi the whole day, of course. Here's the scenario, kitorang nak bertolak from kerteh to melaka on thurs morning. ETA maybe dah evening. Of course that nite, seme penat, maybe just go out n have dinner then retire. Then, jumaat nak wat motivasi the whole day. Maybe mlm just pegi tgk a lil here n there. Then the next day, saturday dah nak blk. Mane bercuti nyer? Duhh... Of course seme org object. So, kitorang ckp kat our bosses, if nak guna duit rekreasi (duit kitorang yg dipotong rm10 per month, plus duit yg budak2 nih tlg calibrate n duit rental brg2) baik kite wat family day or bbq dkt2 sini jer. Then if nak wat motivasi, wat kat sini jer. Jimat mase, duit n tenaga. Tp nih pun tak dpt nak come out dgn decision lagi. So just wait and see.
Kinda dissapointed gak la. Sbb I was looking forward for this break. Sbb last year punyer holiday trip sgt menarik. We went to redang and its on my bday furthermore. :) we did had so much fun there.Hmmm....just need to wait and see jer la....
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Daughtry- It's not over
I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sense
Your takin away everything
And I can't do without.
I try to see the good in life
The good things in life are hard to find
We're blowin away, blownin away
Can we make this something good?
Well I'll try to do to it right this time around
It's not over,
Try to do it right this time around
It's not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It's not over.
I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We're wastin too much time
Bein strong, holdin on
Can't let it bring us down
My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
Blowin away blowin away
Can make this something good?
Cause it's all misunderstood?
Well I'll try to do to it right this time around
It's not over,
Try to do it right this time around
It's not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It's not over.
You can't let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out.
Let's start over
Well try to do to it right this time around
Its not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It's not over.
Lets start over
Its not over
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It's not over
Footnote: This song makes me think of a particular someone and life without him..:(
Note to Myself
I started this blog, mainly because it is just a way for me to reflect on my journey in life in the future. There are so much frustration i've been going through and i just dun know how to let it out.
My great frens are always around and are always there to help out. How much longer do i need to depend on them. They had their own life to lead. And they are taking up more responsibilities, as working women, wives, mothers...and heck, do i want to add up to their list of responsibilities as a shoulder to cry on for an ever-so-whining-fren? Not me. Once in a while, i do think they can put up with me, but forever and always, come on?
Note to myself: I need to lighten up.
My great frens are always around and are always there to help out. How much longer do i need to depend on them. They had their own life to lead. And they are taking up more responsibilities, as working women, wives, mothers...and heck, do i want to add up to their list of responsibilities as a shoulder to cry on for an ever-so-whining-fren? Not me. Once in a while, i do think they can put up with me, but forever and always, come on?
Note to myself: I need to lighten up.
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